I wrote up a quick script, if anybody has any ideas to keep the story alive and flowing that would be great, as towards the end I felt it start to unravel slightly... The 'Ghost in a blue light' is to be revealed as herself. Please excuse any spelling mistakes.
Yeah man! I like it, obviously as you stated 'Spelling Mistakes'. One idea I had was that the platform underneath her the entire time is reflective, that then shows her current status. Maybe a good plot twist would be to have it all as a dream, then there is the little music box next to the table. Also put more emphasis on the ghost as it is seen in one scene, maybe hint at it with reflections to represent the truth coming into full focus, subtly and slowely, but surely.
ReplyDeleteThis sounds very nice and delicate! But what if, as Thomas suggested, this was all a dream of a girl that cannot dance anymore and when she wakes up she looks up to the music box next to her sick bed with sad face? Or maybe she is dancing with the ghost of someone?
ReplyDeleteHey Tom,
ReplyDeleteHmmm - I don't think you're quite there yet; you've got a mood established, but it feels like a linear sequence of events, and as the feedback suggests, people are looking for a twist. It also feels too much to make us think about the ghost of something that wasn't truly alive in the first place. I think Krissy is onto something. I'm just thinking out loud here, so here goes...
Music Box
Hospital
Ghost
1) A young female character wakes up suddenly; she's in bed. The room is dark. What awakened her was the sound of a lullaby; the character gets out of bed to find the source of the music; they walk through the strangely deserted buildingl looking for it, until they come into a room where there is a music box, lit from above. It's open - the ballerina is turning and turning, but suddenly the music box starts to slow, and the ballerina is turning more slowly etc. As this happens, the spotlight above the music box diminishes; the room is growing dark. We see that beside the music box there is the key to music box. If the young girl was to wind the key, the music box would play quickly, and the ballerina would turn. The thing is, the young girl character is hesitating. It's almost as if she doesn't want to wind the music box... as the music box lullaby slows it becomes a single long beeeeeep - the sort of sound we might associate with someone flat-lining in a hospital. As we hear this, the girl looks up and sees herself - her double, who is dressed as a ballerina. She looks unbearably sad and disappointed. Suddenly, the other girl reaches forward and snatches up the key; she winds the music box (the long beeeeep sound) continues; she winds it and winds it (the sound of the mechanism winding sounds a lot like the sound we might associate with defibrillation machines). Suddenly the music box is playing again, the ballerina is turning - and just for a second, we see the double dressed as the ballerina smiling with joy - THEN, bam, we're in a hospital ward, the girl is on the bed, her eyes flick open - she's alive - back from the dead... The End.
Or something like that?