Hey Tom, congrats on getting this up. Some suggestions. I think you need to think about how your audience 'arrives' at your story. Consider giving us a few seconds of black, and then shock us with the girl's sudden awakening. I think you could exaggerate the sound (amplify it) and a tip would be to begin the sound of her gasp a few frames before we see her face - it will make the edit more effective. I think you need to think about your use of sound - think a bit more expressionistically about your options; practically, I think we need to understand much more obviously that the music box is 'winding down', because this idea is key to understanding that we're talking about this little girl's life. In terms of enriching the hospital room, think about some faint beeps on the soundtrack to suggest equipment etc. When you've got those quick successional flashes of the girl winding up the music box, you need to get some diegetic sound in there; and you should consider too giving the 'flashes' a sound (the way they might in a trailer for example). Just look at ways in which sound can enrich your story and really signpost what's going on.
Ok, thank you, Phil! :)